just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Just invented taco cereal.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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