I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
