o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
