I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I looked at my own cervix.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
