sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
