Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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