Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
