oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
