Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
