he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I understand Curling. That high.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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