Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
