Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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