Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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