apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
