good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Dicks are not precious.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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