my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
