My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
