so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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