good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I've blown a few things in my day
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Randomize
