I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
