her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
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