is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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