My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
