Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
