Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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