as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
