shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize