$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
