she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
