I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
