At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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