Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
