He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
