And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
