what day is it and did you see me today?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
