I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
foreskin is a definite game changer
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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