I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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