I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize