having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
a search helicopter?!
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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