For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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