You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
