Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
