Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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