I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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