you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
