my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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