Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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