I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
well, you know. whores of a feather.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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