I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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