Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
