Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
