They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
