I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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