JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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