God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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