I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
