3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
