I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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