listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
