the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
